As I am writing this I am laying on the couch waiting to leave for the hospital. I have to arrive at 5:30am for scheduled surgery at 7am. This past week has been a flood of emotions, and emotions that I couldn’t even contain or keep up with myself. Literally fine one minute and then not the next. The outpouring of love and support was felt. I consider myself a giving person and to be on the receiving end is new territory for me. I am an independent person as well so to even acknowledge that this is huge and I will need help was a hard pill to swallow, but over the last week I have let go and accepted, and have never felt more love and support. That gives me hope and faith that this will be ok.
Earlier this week I had a breakdown as my husband left to go hunting (he needed to decompress and get away as well) during this process we forget that not only are you affected but all your loved ones are. I thought I would be ok, but found myself once again bawling and thinking there is no way I can do this! Am I making the right choice? Should I just have one surgery done? I just needed him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. He hasn’t been able to really find the “right” words to say to me but then again I have learned there are no “right” words, I just needed his arms and support and that’s what I have gotten. That’s the best gift you can give anyone.
I talked to a few people over the last week that quite frankly just don’t get it. They won’t. Don’t waste your time explaining your emotions and reasonings, I promise until you have heard the words “positive” no one truly understands until they have been there, and that’s ok. I didn’t realize the extent myself. Just don’t say stupid shit, that’s my advice because we can’t tolerate it. Just if anything say “I am so sorry” that’s all! I can write a whole blog about the stupid things people have said to me!
I was lucky and my sister from Houston flew in to be with me a few days and more than anything just moral support, I picked her up from the airport and we had dinner with my best friend as well. My other best friends stopped by just to say hi and spent about 45 minutes with me, I had people stop and pray for me at church yesterday, the love was outpouring and I am telling you that’s what gets us through this! I was able to get through the day without a breakdown. I laughed last night and took a Valium and went to sleep about midnight and prayed.
I woke up at 2am to take a shower, my last shower with this body. My last shower with my own breasts, that’s what got me. There is a sense of loss, and any woman should be able to understand. And any man that can’t should just imagine them losing their well you know.. manhood… 😂😂😂 I cried for about 10 minutes in the shower, you have to use this surgical soap and man it smells of pure alcohol, I got out of the shower and not to be to personal but just held them, felt them, they are mine and I am losing them. The unknown is scary as well. I won’t know how they will unltimatley look or feel. I also will have to adjust to no nipples for atleast 6months, this all plays with you mentally. I have lost my appetite over the last 3 weeks, all normal I suppose. I have learned that I do in fact have anxiety, but again who wouldn’t right?
People seem to forget that I will have a total hysterctomy, I think it is my fault since I talk about the breasts so much, I am not as attached to my uterus and ovaries as they have caused many problems, I am scared of hormones, sex drive (I mean come on I am still in my prime haha) and weight gain and just the unknown.
I am calm as we speak, i do have a headache but maybe thirsty or lack of sleep,I blowed dried my hair for the last time for awhile, since I will have no range of motion for a few weeks, placed a patch behind my ear to help with the nausea from the anthesia, and put on my bra for the last time in I don’t know how long and honestly I may never be able to wear this one again, as I mentioned it’s the unknown that gets me. I am not vain, but it’s part of my body. I realize that this is my choice, but if I don’t do it now and wait until I am older or perhaps when I do have cancer, and the drs said it will happen. I may not recover as well, I may not have any options for reconstruction, even thou I don’t want to do the tissue expanders route atleast I have an option. It will take 2 more surgeries after this one and a few nip and tucks and will never be the same but I will be able to continue to be here and be a mother,wife, aunt, sister, daughter,niece,cousin,friend,teacher,mentor. My dad died young at 48 from cancer. I, god willing will not leave my kids motherless at a young age. Cancer sucks! Wish my luck and prayers. We are headed to the hospital where they said they would give me something for anxiety! I know I will be ok in the long run, just lots of unknowns and time, this isn’t a quick recovery or quick fix. But I have my big girl panties on as they speak (and honestly have bigger ones on to help with the swelling after the hysterectomy!! Haha) sense of humor is a must!
Today is the day…