Recovery and Reality

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This is the most intimate and most nervous post to date as the somewhat unknowns are over and well it is indeed reality. It’s the beginning of the new me.

I was so nervous the morning of surgery , we arrived right at 5:30am. In fact Nick got there early and I made him wait in the parking lot right up until the time. I prayed and walked in and checked in..OK this was it! This is real! We get called back into the pre op room, I get my gown and asked to change and give a urine sample, anyone else have a hard time making it in the cup? You would think as a woman and mother of 3 I would be a pro but nope I miss every time and pee all down the cup ha!

I changed into my gown and took off my bra for the last time, why did I even wear one? Ha! IVs were started and surgeons started coming in..I was amazingly pretty calm, the plastic surgeon came in to mark me and that’s when it hit ! I said goodbye to my entourage and held back the tears, they gave me some oral anxiety meds but I don’t think in time to take effect. Promptly at 7:03 they came to wheel me off to the OR I said goodbye to Nick and still held back the tears.

The OR is cold and so overwhelming, everyone keep asking me how I was and was very friendly I get transferred to the operating table and I remember seeing my name and all my info on a whiteboard and thats all she wrote…I was out!

Woke up in recovery and was confused and in pain! Oh the pain! I remember thinking the recovery nurse was handsome, hope I kept that comment to myself! They had a hard time managing my pain, I was in and out of it for 3 hours before I was moved. When I was moved to my room it was an 8 hr surgery and 3 hour recovery, long day for those that had to wait , it went fast for me! I am a hot natured person as it is and then my body was thrown into straight menopause, not a good combination. My room was so overwhelming hot! It pissed me off and I immediately let everyone know about it, the poor nurses and maintenance man! I HAD awesome friends that went to Home Depot and bought me a fan!! Life saviors and I needed my hormones  which there was a mix up and I didn’t receive the hormones until about 24 hours later.

I don’t remember much the first 48 hours, I was bandaged up and didn’t want to look. I was in so much pain! It took them a good day to manage the pain, I would have rather give birth without an epidural then go the pain again! I was released 2 days later and was so ready to go home, well I thought…

I could not get comfortable at all, the pain was unmanageable and these drains are such a pain! My sis was in town for the first 4 days and I don’t remember much at all! The first night I had woken up and went to the restroom, this process to even get up took a good 20 minutes, I couldn’t move at all! Nick was passed out as he hadn’t slept in about 48 hours. I needed his help and he wouldn’t wake up! I wallowed on the bathroom floor for 2 hours in pain and self pity, I decided for the first time to look and I bawled so hard. The reality was indeed reality and I looked disfigured and in my state of mind could not see  the light of the tunnel at all. The grieving process officially begun as the pain meds wore off.

Nick woke up and helped me off the bathroom floor, gave me some meds and held me and let me cry. You have to have so much support to go through something like this, and it affected him. There was no way in hell he found me attractive and I told him this to which he replied “I am in love with this woman named Kathy not her breasts” so I cried some more.

I had more range of motion than I thought and the drs thought I would have but I could not move, my whole body couldn’t move, I stayed in bed for the first 9 days. I spent 2 days in self wallow and pity and depression. One day at a time and I am sure I was entitled to a few dark days, after all I felt like a monster and in constant pain. And again if you still think this was or is a “boob” job you are wrong.

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These are the drains that I had on each side to collect fluid from swelling. I got one on each side removed last week and hoping to get the rest gone tomorrow!

The drains are a complete nightmare, you can’t slept in any position other than your back and they pull and they hang well below your knees and well don’t get me started on fashion. They are drained daily and bandaged at the stich.  And well here is my reality below.

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I had a skin sparing so I got to keep my own skin but not nipples. Skin was pulled from my side to help with the reconstruction. This is about 1 week post so bruising and swelling was down.

These are the expanders that are under my muscle and I have fills every week to recreate the breast, the expanders are oblong to help stretch the skin to make room for the permanent implant which I will get in March, yes another surgery.

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This is my breast that had the lumps removed, so ugly looking! The scar will always be there but will fade in the years come. Nipple reconstruction will happen 5 months after the implant surgery

The ugly ducklings that will become the swan, this is what I am living with for the next 3 months. My Plastic surgeon said that once the ROUND soft implants are put in they will look and feel natural and will not look like this at all! The expanders hurt like hell! No way around it, they are hard as a rock and sometimes its hard for me to catch a deep breath. had my first fill and there is no feeling, there is a port that they insert a huge needle in and fill so many CCs each week and they do start looking more normal everyday. I have no projection as they are oblong so I still look flat. I am ok with my new reality, in fact I will show anyone that wants to see, I have no personal attachment to them right now.

 

I am doing good, I am still 3 weeks post and I get so tired easy and I over do it and boy do I pay for it! I am doing good mentally as well. It is hard and still the hardest thing to date but looking forward to all this to become a memory. I got a necklace that said “choose courage” I love it because it did take courage and I understand just how strong I am now! I also understand that women are more than boobs, I am still me, I still have the same personality, the same sense of humor, the same heart and soul. I will admit I am looking forward to perky boobs and would be ok if I am considered a “MILF” 🙂

I chose courage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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