I am just not ok…Reality has hit the fan

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This is an impromptu post, this is just nothing more than raw feelings. I am scheduled for surgery in 19 days. 19 freaking days!! I have met with all 3 surgeons and everything is finalized. I am a planner and when I met with the plastic surgeon yesterday and he had a different plan for me, that is  when reality hit and it hit hard. I can not expect anyone to fully understand the complexity when I cant even comprehend my own emotions. I didn’t even make it out of the doctors office before I lost it, I couldn’t even drive home. Those that don’t know me well, that’s just  not me. I am usually in very good control and am not a “public” crier well the waterworks are flowing for sure.

I am still learning all this day by day, this is such an emotional roller coaster and I am pissed. I have a right to be pissed, right? I don’t even know. I would not even want my worst enemy to have to deal with this. It’s life changing, both surgeries. I can not hear another comment such as ” at least you get new boobs” again, I just can’t. Look up mastectomy with reconstruction, this is not a boob job.  I had no idea that this would span into 3 different surgeries, can take 6 months. Will take 2 years to completely heal and will have little to no feeling. Will I even be able to look in the mirror? Are my hormones completely going to go haywire? Depression? I really am getting transformed into a new person and I don’t even know who that person is.

I am entitled to throw a pity party right? I want to just call off the whole thing and just take my chances, I was given a prescription for Valium to take the night before surgery, I think i will need more than 1! I write this to ask for prayers, I am not good at asking for help but I will and do need it and nothing anyone says will help so just prayers. I have never had to muster up this much courage and as the days are leading up to the day I am struggling. I am so ready for this to be a memory and get on with my life. When I started this blog I told myself that if I was to do this to be completely honest, as much as its hard to let my guard down, if I can help one person than my pain and candidness is warranted. Please lift me up in prayer.

 

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